“Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings” – Laurence Peter
Laurence Peter is the person who gave us the “Peter Principle” of the 1970s. You might recall that principal states, “In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.” But he gifted us with the quotation above as well as others.
Some of you might recall my RH morning sermon last year, “Abe & Son,” in which I stated that Abraham indeed “sacrificed” Isaac despite the last-minute Divine change-of-heart. Yes, the ram was the substitute, but the emotional impact of that event was forever carried by Isaac, thus the father-son relationship was never the same.
In my My (Holyday) Word! column a month ago, I asked the question, “In what ways do we or others ‘sacrifice’ our/their children (not sacrifice ‘FOR’ our children)?” Sometimes we inadvertently take our own baggage and heave it onto our offspring. Sadly, sometimes it is not so inadvertent at all.
Parents are not perfect beings. Kids know that better than parents. It’s a rare mom or dad who isn’t aware of those shortcomings that have created family dysfunction…and it’s usually the shortcomings of the other nuclear family members, not their own, of which they are aware. But in all seriousness even our biblical ancestors messed up their kids and, sadly, it becomes part of their lives similar to Abe & Son’s issues.
My wife Suzy often told our three children, “Just get a notebook and keep a running account of what I’ve done. You’ll save a lot of money since your shrink will have it all there.” Thankfully the pronoun she used was “I”; she left me out of that equation.
In less than two weeks the month of Elul begins, the month preceding Rosh Hashanah. We’re told that Elul is the preparation month. We prepare for the full potential of the holydays thirty days before; we don’t begin when the RH candles are kindled! As I’ve mentioned, the sages told us to engage in a cheshbon ha-nefesh, a soulful inventory. We’re to think hard of our shortcomings; we cannot repent so easily when those errors of our ways are not in our consciousness. Note that the quote above involves both parents and children. No one is exempt from being less-than-perfect regardless of age or relationship. Yet if we look into our hearts, into our souls, and toss out the ego which, like plaque, hardens the arteries, we have taken the first step in reconciliation. As we learn, we choose to change, or we choose to remain stagnant.
There’s a beautiful story told by the painter Benjamin West which illustrates the point that every interaction between parent and child involves choice. As a young boy, West decided to paint a picture of his sister while his mother was not at home. He took out the bottles of ink and started but soon had an awful mess.
His mother eventually returned and saw the mess. But instead of scolding him, she listened to another inner voice. She chose to pick up the portrait and declared, “What a beautiful picture of your sister!” Then she kissed him. Later in his life, Benjamin West said, “With that kiss I became a painter.”
(Speaking of parents, Henry is on the beach with his parents. He says to his mother, “Mom, may I go swimming in the ocean?” Mom replies, “I’m sorry you can’t. The water is too deep and too rough for you.” Henry replies, “But, mom, daddy has just gone in.” And his mother pipes up, “I know, dear, but your daddy is insured.”)