As I mentioned in my Wednesday article, this will be my final “Jokes for the Folks” column so you can start sitting shiva…or you can celebrate. My focus now will be exclusively on Holyday preparation. I will however attach an article to the weekly eBlast Michelle sends to the congregation. If you insist, I’ll add a joke at the end of those.
Two Jews were sitting in a coffeehouse discussing the fate of their people. “How miserable is our history,” said one. “Pogroms, plagues, discrimination, Hitler, Neo-Nazis…Sometimes I think we’d be better off if we’d never been born.” His friend replied, “Sure, but who has that much luck – maybe one in 50,000?”
(A visual, so picture it) There is a family of Chasidim at the zoo, looking at the penguins. One penguin says to another, “I wonder how they can tell themselves apart?”
One Shabbat morning, David’s mom comes into his room to wake him up. “Time to get up for services,” she says. “I’m not going!” David replies with sleep still in his eyes. “David, it’s time to get up and get ready for synagogue.” “No! I don’t like to go.” David’s mother says, “I don’t care if you don’t like to go. You’ve got to go…you’re the rabbi!”
A rabbi was delivering a sermon and as “most” rabbis sometimes do, it went on and on. She suddenly stopped and realized it was way over the time of most of her sermons. “I’m so sorry,” she said, “I left my watch at home.” Someone in the congregation yelled out, “But Rabbi, you have a calendar right in front of you!” (This actually happened to my predecessor. He requested a clock be installed on the lectern and a Board member said, “A calendar would be more appropriate.” The rabbi didn’t speak to the man – a good friend for years – for a long time).
Pacing back and forth, a man was getting very anxious about his imminent operation. His wife asks him, “What’s the matter? Why are you getting all worked up? He replied, “I heard one of the nurses say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be just fine.’” “She was just trying to comfort you,” his wife says, “what’s so frightening about that?” Her husband says, “She was talking to the surgeon!”
After a holyday service, a cantor, trying to impress, tells the congregation that his voice is insured with Lloyds of London for one million dollars. A voice from the last row says, “So what did you do with the money?”
Th, Th, Th, That’s all folks!