So many congregants requested more Chelm stories, you know, the ones about the Chelmites who are confused and totally upside-down about everything in life. Thinking about it, the “so many congregants” might, in fact, be those from other congregations. I don’t recall one person asking for more of them. But be that as it may, paraphrasing the title of a Leslie Gore song from the days of Millard Fillmore’s presidency, “It’s my column, you can cry if you want to.” (And remember, last Shabbat I warned you that these might be worse)
Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain. “Quick,” said one, open your umbrella!” “It won’t help,” said his friend, “my umbrella is full of holes.” “Then why did you bring it?” The Chelmite said, “I didn’t think it would rain.”
A person in Chelm once thought up a riddle that nobody could answer: “What’s purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?” People responded, “A white fish,” but then thought, “a white fish isn’t purple.” “Nu,” replied the jokester, “this white fish was painted purple.” “But hanging on a wall? Who ever heard of a white fish that hung on a wall?” The jokester said, “Aha! But this white fish was hung on a wall.” Somebody shouted out, “But a white fish doesn’t whistle. “Nu, so it doesn’t whistle.”
Ok, ok, I hear you, you’re on the floor in hysteria. “Enough already, ENOUGH, Rabbi!” We can’t take it anymore! No more Chelm stories!” Being as kind as I am, I’ll acquiesce, but here are a few other non-Chelm jokes. (And I’ll bet that you’ll surely ask me for MORE CHELM ones after you’ve read these!)
How many Zionists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four: One to stay home and convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in and a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.
A peddler arrives in town just before sundown on Friday. He visits the shul and finds the rabbi and three men conversing. The peddler asks the rabbi if he would keep his receipts over Shabbat as he would be prohibited from having money on his person. The rabbi readily agrees. Next day after sundown, the peddler appears to collect his money. The same three men are there. “What money?” asks the rabbi. “The money I gave you to hold for me. These men were here. They’ll tell you.” The rabbi asks, “Mr. Schwartz, did this man leave any money with me?” Schwartz says, “I have no recollection at all.” So, the rabbi asks Mr. Ginsberg who replies, “Never saw him before in my life.” “What about you, Mr. Silverstein?” “That man is a liar!” The rabbi says, “Thank you, gentlemen. Now I will deal with this man alone.” The three men depart, and the rabbi goes to his safe and takes out the money and gives it to the peddler. “Why did you put me through all of that, Rabbi?” Asks the peddler. The rabbi responds, “Oh, I just wanted to show you the kind of people I have in my congregation.”
Now, dear friends, aren’t you going to beg for more Chelm stories?