One of our congregants commented on my article dealing with Reform Judaism and my point that often those formerly affiliated with Conservative or Orthodox congregations will join the Reform movement if their spouse – gentile or a Jew-by-choice – feels less comfortable in another synagogue.
She wrote about how those not brought up as Jews in her family are often the ones who were and are more mindful of the customs and holidays and will prompt their celebration.
Absolutely true! I told her I have found that in many cases. But also, in my response I wrote, “Cradle Jews often take it for granted and (some) have lived their childhood with various pressures while also seeing… hypocrisy.” In my interactions with congregants and others the incidences of hypocrisy have created some very unhappy children, some of whom have rejected our faith and folk altogether.
I remember one young man who years ago came to see me. He asked me what Reform Judaism was all about. Being Jewish (and loving this stereotype), I answered his question with a question, “Why do you ask?” And he began to reveal the hypocrisy in his parents’ home.
“We belong to the Orthodox shul. When I dated a member of your congregation, my parents said, ‘She’s Reform?? She’s a shiksa! They’re all goyim.’ So, I started thinking: My parents attend only on the High Holydays, and even then it’s only for Yizkor. They don’t keep kosher in the home, let alone in restaurants. They barely celebrate any of our holidays and we wouldn’t even have a seder if my grandparents didn’t have one. So I’m wondering (and these were his exact words), how much more ‘goyish’ can Reform be than my parents?”
“What you see is what you get” …often…and the other well-known appropriate phrase is, “Do what I say, not what I do.” Religious identity, especially ours, is fragile. Anything can tip the scale. As a matter of fact, I can count on one hand (actually one finger!) how many youngsters in my congregation became very committed to maintaining their identity despite what they saw at home. One girl had to find her own transportation to Confirmation class because her parents said, “If you want to keep going to religious school, fine, but we’re not driving you!” She found a ride every week.
What you see is what you get! Without a hint of a Jewish lifestyle, how will our children model their lives? It’s double jeopardy, as it were. So much comes from our childhood experiences, experiences our children want to replicate if they sense they are real and meaningful and consistent. And often they’ll reject them outright if they’re forced, phony and forgettable.
There’s a great story about a young child who, when visiting her grandparents, sees the mezuzah and asks, “Grandma, what’s that?” The grandmother responds, “That’s a mezuzah reminding us that God is part of our home life.” When she enters the home she sees a pair of silver candlesticks and asks, “What are they for?” and her grandmother replies, “We light them on the Sabbath and holidays, to thank God for the light we have from our celebrations.” And she then sees a prayer book and inquires as to what that’s for. “Well,” says her grandma, “we offer thanks and praise to God, and we ask God to be with us during tough times.” It was time for the child to leave, and as she walks out, she turns around, looks at the mezuzah and says, “Goodbye, God.”
If we want there to be Judaism and Jews tomorrow, we’ve got to “do” Jewish and “be” Jewish today…simple as that.
(Speaking of preaching, Abe and his son Sam are in synagogue one Shabbat when Sam says, “I want to be a rabbi.” His father looks at him and says, “It’s ok with me, but what made you decide that?” The young man said, “I figure it this way, I’m going to be here each week. It’ll be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen.” My postscript…who listens?)