I was so excited to let you know that I won the debate by ONE VOTE, that instead of waiting until next Shabbat to give you my two closing arguments, I just knew you’d want this Pulitzer Prize-worthy material now. I’m keeping the exact text I had written for that column.
(Certainly, you remember last Shabbat’s column, the first part of my winning material for the debate. I promised you the second series of arguments this week. How you’ve been pining to read my answer as to which was more important in the history of our People; how you’ve ignored everything else I’ve written this week just to prime yourselves for what today will bring; how you’ve only wished that your offspring – you, in fact – could have the debating skills of your rabbi! I understand, and again in the deepest humility I accept your kudos. Well, so as not to keep you waiting, here are my last two arguments that carried me to the finish line as the victor in this debate, the one you will hear about for generations:)
Latkes weren’t used only Baz’man hazeh (“in these days”). Indeed, throughout our history the glorious, infamous and heroic latke came to become our secret weapon. Columbus himself knew the power of the latke. He chose Louis de Torres to accompany him on his mission across the seas. Sure, we are told that de Torres was fluent in Hebrew. Maybe he was and maybe he wasn’t. But he had been a sous chef in a little Genoan dive which was famous for their drop-dead latkes. To hide its real Jewish identity but to signal to Conversos what it really was, it was called the Mac and Jeez, “Mac” for the Maccabees, “Jeez” for Jesus. Boy were the Gentiles fooled! But not the Conversos who devoured the latkes which made them remember who they really were. Columbus insisted Chef Louie be a part of his crew.
In the struggle for the rights of Soviet Jewelry, yes “Jewelry” and not “Jewry,” the finest Jewish silversmiths in Leningrad made charm bracelets. Each charm was in the shape of a latke…a dark latke or a light latke, a cheese latke or the standard potato. The unknowing Soviets loved these bracelets which they purchased as gifts for their spouses. And they weren’t cheap! All the Jewish jewelers would collect the profits from their sale and purchase ritual objects. Just like the Conversos these Soviet Jewelers would never forget who they really were regardless what happened to them.
(So you see, my friends, the latke must win as it has won throughout history. And may the days of Chanukah be light-filled for you and yours.)