“Across my active rabbinate I noticed that the non-Jewish parents of our religious school kids are far more respectful of our rituals and policies than ofttimes we ourselves are. They understand the need to maintain our Jewish identity regardless of the liberal nature of our movement. I didn’t budge over what a non-Jewish parent or relative would or would not be allowed to do in a Bat/Bar Mitzvah ceremony and only out of curiosity I asked how that parent felt about the restrictions. I believe that there was 100% support all the time… ‘This is a Jewish synagogue, after all’ (sic!) was the essence of the replies.
One of our Union camps is offering a vintage shirt ‘in time for the holidays.’ I took offense that it didn’t say ‘in time for Chanukah’ and was told that they aimed for inclusivity. We already have an inclusive culture in our movement. As was pointed out there are non-Jewish staff members in our camps and, of course, there are non-Jewish parents These parents truly should have our appreciation for raising their children in our tradition, especially commendable since they send them to our camps which we know are often the guarantors of continued Jewish identity. But how far do we have to bend?”
The above was a posting I put on our Hebrew Union College list-serve asking for my colleagues’ opinion about the “in time for the holidays” advertisement. So far all who replied agreed with my point.
There are parents who cannot understand why I wouldn’t allow their non-Jewish spouse to join in the recitation/chanting of the blessings over the Torah. “…Asher bachar banu mikol ha-amim, v’natan lanu et Torah-to…” Friends, this translates, “Who has chosen us from among all people and given us (His) Torah.”
These words aren’t just a piece of a mantra, empty words, irrelevant theology. Why would a member of the “chosen” (and that’s another subject, so please do not mix apples and oranges), be upset that I won’t allow it if the gentile him/herself fully understands my position and doesn’t want to make a false statement in the first place?!
The “chain of tradition” is represented by the passing of the Torah from one generation to the next. Yes, as I wrote, I don’t think we give enough thanks to the parent who has assisted in the raising of their child in our faith, to the grandparents who see their adult child convert to Judaism or, if not that, allow the Jewish spouse to raise their children in his/her faith. Nevertheless, they are not part of that “chain,” and it would be beyond hypocritical to “make believe” just for the sensitivity of the one(s) passed over. It reminds me of the children’s sports teams that give out trophies “just for trying” because “there are no winners or losers.” Life has “winners and losers”; how old does a child have to be before realizing that important life message? Not for a minute do I believe that non-recognition impacts the child’s self-image if we are lovingly honest. Let the parent say, “You did well but not well enough to be recognized… maybe the next time.” That’s life. We cannot coddle the child. So too we cannot coddle the Jewish parent when the non-Jewish adult “at bat” knows full well that it is an empty act if s/he is allowed such participation in a sacred tradition of another centuries-old faith community.
Let me ask you: should a Jew be encouraged to come up for communion?